Could this relationship be toxic? We’ve all had that gnawing feeling about a friendship, a colleague, or a lover. But often, we doubt our feelings. I’m a big proponent of intuition and all things gut feelings. Why? Because we have a knowing, but maybe the language isn’t there. So what exactly is a toxic relationship? And how do you know if you’re in one? Well, my friend, you’ve come to the right place.
A toxic relationship is defined as “any relationship [between individuals who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict, and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” Lillian Glass first coined the phrase in her 1995 book Toxic People.
Sometimes we need concrete evidence and validations that our relationships are toxic before realizing that our relationship is truly harmful and unhealthy. And when gaslighting is a part of that relationship, it makes us doubt our experiences. Gaslighting is often present in toxic relationships.
Gaslighting is a colloquialism that is defined as making someone question their reality. The term is also used informally to describe someone who persistently puts forth a false narrative which leads another person to doubt their own perceptions to the extent that they become disorientated and distressed.
WIKIPEDIA
So what are some of the signs of a toxic relationship?
- You’ve checked out. Because of your inability to decide, you’ve decided to play it safe by not fully committing yourself to the relationship. The relationship is no longer a priority, and you focus your energy elsewhere.
- It’s one-sided. There is a hostile competitive me versus you dynamic. Who did it better? Who more liked within mutual groups? Who had it worse? The spotlight cannot be shared because you’re constantly being wrestled into submission for power. There is a need to look better OR good in the eyes of others, which leads to your exhaustion.
- Your boundaries are not considered and disregarded. There is no consideration placed on your values, wants, needs, and personal limits.
- You’re codependent and value the approval of others. You find it difficult to make decisions, identify your feelings, and communicate effectively in relationships. Codependency may result from having poor self-esteem and a lack of trust within one’s self OR ability.
- There is a lack of trust. You’re not confident in the relationship due to previous experiences that have allowed you to develop harmful thoughts, actions, or emotions. You might find yourself suspicious, jealous, and reactive.
- The communication is nonexistent OR weak. There are gaps in the information flow, which creates conflict and disharmony. You find yourself in a constant state of stress. Without proper communication, relationships are stagnant and lack understanding.
Why is it important to identify when relationships are toxic?
Toxic relationships can affect our mental health, our self-confidence and alter how we see ourselves and the world around us. And depending on how much “damage” is done, it can take time to repair. We must build back up our self-confidence and set healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from further injury. And this starts by permitting ourselves to be open and honest [with ourselves] about our feelings. And that may take time. Take time to reconnect with yourself. Learn to strengthen and listen to your wants and needs again, and honor those wants and needs.