What is Resentment?
Resentment is the disappointment we feel when we outsource our expectations. Resentment has the potential to erode relationships. There are nuances and complexities to how we end up in resentful situations. I’ve found that a lack of communication and boundary setting often leads to resentment.
I’m going to be straightforward with you.
We cannot hold someone accountable for our unexpressed expectations. This is why we should overtly communicate our expectations. And as a bonus, check for understanding. One of the worst things that could happen after a meaningful conversation is the people involved walking away with different interpretations. Do yourself a favor and check for understanding after every meaningful OR challenging conversation.
We cannot hold someone accountable for our unexpressed boundaries. How am I to know that my words OR actions hurt you, if you do not say anything? Ignorance is bliss. Boundary setting lays out our expectations and any applicable consequences.
Resentment in Romantic Relationships.
Resentment in a romantic relationship is complicated and requires more work because of the intimacy. Our romantic partners are the ones we share our emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy with. Along with our romantic love, and varying forms of attachment and commitment styles. And oftentimes, we are of the mindset that our partners should understand our needs and wants –and therefore know better. It is easy to fall into this trap and find yourself knee-deep in resentment.
Moving Past Resentment
Resentment is an indicator that we’ve veered off into the deep end and need to redirect ourselves. And the compass is in your hands. My advice to anyone feeling resentful in a romantic partnership (or any relationship for that matter) is to turn inward. Why inward? There is work to be done before addressing your resentment, and that requires us to be crystal clear on the issues. Start by:
- Identifying your emotional triggers.
- How have feelings of resentment changed you?
- Take a closer look at your expectations. What can you learn about yourself from examining your expectations?
- Look at each expectation and determine who is responsible for managing that expectation. Is it you OR your partner? And be honest.
- Unpack your communication styles, and the patterns developed over time.
- What role have you played in perpetuating your resentment?
- How can you begin to unlearn some of the bad habits that cause you to feel resentful? Consider reading Self Awareness is Not Impossible and Here’s Why.
- How do you go about boundary setting? Is it adequate? Consider reading How to Build and Maintain Boundaries.
Being clear on our wants and needs allows us to communicate those wants and needs with others.
In addition to clarity, we need to have compassion for ourselves and others. Navigating through resentment requires us to be gentle in our approach. Compassion opens the door to forgiveness. Forgiveness is twofold and is done with our healing in mind. We do it for our benefit and to move forward in our relationships. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting the offense but learning and processing our hurt to better understand self.
This blog post was inspired by a question I received in my inbox. If you would like my personal insight on a particular topic OR have any questions, please feel free to email me at hello@AyokaTheBlogger.com.
