Get to know yourself. Start by practicing self awareness. Self awareness is achieved by dialing into your feelings and desires –this can be done by meditating, journaling, or any self-observing activity you enjoy. Don’t be shy about connecting with yourself in meaningful ways.
I often tell clients a great way to jumpstart their self awareness practice is to explore feelings of discomfort. You know, those thoughts that keep you up at night or that scenario you keep replaying in your mind with all the things you wish you would have said or done –start there. That also includes examining feelings of fear, guilt, or shame. Give yourself permission to be open and honest with your feelings. Refrain from judging or critiquing yourself. The goal is to collect information on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Hone in on the specifics. Pay close attention to your what, why, and how. Below you will find some useful prompts.
- What was it about that interaction that caused you discomfort?
- Why is it important for changes to be made?
- What could be done differently to elicit a more positive reaction?
- How can you be an agent of change?
Name your boundary. Be assertive and clear when stating your boundaries. Laughing and/or minimizing your needs only sends mixed messages and will muddy your efforts.
Practice saying your boundaries out loud. Doing this allows you to get comfortable with the words and will help you to sound more natural. Before sharing your boundary, remember to stay calm.
Communicate your boundary in less than 25 words. Remember, you do not have to explain your rationale in great detail. Although, you may choose to share more information based on the relationship type and the levels of comfortability and trust. You may have to remind others of your boundary before it sticks –be prepared to repeat yourself. Remember, what you allow, is what will continue.
Have a consequence and stick to it. After naming your boundary in the same assertive and straightforward manner, calmly convey that if the unwanted behavior continues, you’ll have to end the interaction. Removing yourself from the situation gives you and the other person space to reflect and process. Do not feel rushed to re-engage in the interaction. I highly suggest you lean on a self-awareness activity and run through the prompts above, as this will sharpen your understanding of your wants and needs.
Three strikes and you’re out? If you’ve stated your boundary and it gets ignored time and time again, it may be time to take a closer look at that relationship and make some tough choices. All successful relationships have essential components such as respect, trust, understanding (feel free to insert whatever you need for a relationship to be successful). After assessing the situation, make the decision that is right for you.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a process –be kind to yourself and do not give up. It might take time to master and own your process but remember that you will reap the benefits if you put in the work. Invest in yourself. You deserve it!
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