There are two main reasons folks might find small talk difficult.
- You’re a guarded person.
- Your shyness is at play. You’re a naturally reserved, nervous, or timid person.
- Been there, done that! You had experiences with others that have made you feel more comfortable being selective/guarded.
- It would help if you had more time. More time to learn yourself and others before opening yourself up. (An excellent place to start is with self-awareness and boundary setting.)
- You don’t know what you’re doing (and you have good reason).
- Maybe there are different norms in your country, city, or town regarding social interactions, making small talk tricky and may require time and practice to get acclimated.
- There is a language barrier, and you don’t feel comfortable just yet.
- You’re open to small talk, but your social discomfort and anxiety have other plans.
- You want to bypass the small stuff, and you have a tendency to shift the conversation prematurely from surface level to deep.
Small talk can be difficult based on our perceptions, experiences, and the overall value we place on it; we shape our outlook.
What is Small Talk?
Small talk allows us to politely acknowledge one another from a distance while maintaining a surface-level interaction. For example, two strangers might share an exchange recognizing their love for coffee. Or a coworker might ask, “how was your weekend?” or “how are you doing?” when acknowledging your presence in a Zoom meeting. These types of conversations are intended to be surface-level. Over time, small talk enables us to determine if the relationship should move past surface level.
What Small Talk Isn’t
Small talk is not an invitation to divulge more than the socially acceptable dose of formalities (this may differ from culture to culture OR even town to town).
For example, if someone says, “the weather is nice today?” you probably don’t want to respond with, “I don’t trust when the weather is this nice. It reminds me of the time that [insert trauma]” That response might be too deep for some folks and might force the conversation to turn deep prematurely. Instead, the purpose of small talk is to stay at the surface level. Think of small talk as an appetizer, do not treat it as a main course. Small talk is a conversation/interaction that stimulates one’s curiosity and interest.
Again, –this isn’t an opportunity to share your deepest thoughts and desires.
How to Respond to Small Talk?
With a surface-level response. Remember, it’s an appetizer-like conversation, be selective and intentional with your answers. Avoid the urge to prematurely move the conversation along without the other person’s buy-in. There isn’t a right or wrong way to do this, as it will vary from person to person and conversation to conversation. And lastly, be your authentic self.
What Are the Benefits of Small Talk?
Believe it or not, small talk has a purpose. Small talk is a catalyst. It serves as a gateway into fuller and richer conversations, allowing for more robust self-expression and sharing.
Here are three benefits to small talk:
- Small talk helps to fill empty space by decreasing awkwardness.
- Small talk allows us to gather helpful information about those around us, such as shared interests.
- Connection, connection, connection. We are social beings, and small talk lays the foundation for deeper and more fulfilling relationships.
If you’re having a hard time with small talk, take a deeper dive into yourself and see what comes up.
